Brainy and Beautiful

37 Weeks, 5 Days - Part Two

2012-01-09T12:43:00.002-05:00

The following day, Friday, I was walking/waddling around the neighborhood with the dog when my phone rang. It was my OB's office. I answered the phone, but the signal was spotty and I could barely hear the doctor. I hung up and tried calling back, but I could not get signal for my phone. It would have to wait until I returned home.

My instinct told me that my Cholestasis test results were positive. I tried not to get ahead of myself. "Positive or negative, just keep taking this one step at a time", I told myself.

Safely home, I called my OB's office and hoped someone would answer as it was nearly 6:00 in the evening. The secretary answered and said the doctor would be right with me. The doctor was on the line about 30 seconds later. She said that I had tested positive for Cholestasis, that she had scheduled a non-stress for me first thing the following morning, and that the doctor from the practice who would be there would help us determine when I would be induced, but I would definitely be induced within the week. I asked questions calmly which she answered calmly. Than I thanked her and hung up the phone.

I called my husband at work, but he didn't answer his phone. I left a message to please call me.

We had hired labor doulas who work as a team. I called my primary doula (Maria 1) and left a message on her cell phone apprising her of the situation and asking that she call me. Then I called the other doula (Maria 2) who, thanks to all that is holy, answered her phone. I told her what was happening. She was very supportive and answered questions I had. She also told me that Maria 1 was on a bus to Pennsylvania to visit with family, but would be back Sunday night. Maria 2 also told me that she had 2 other moms-to-be who were 40 and 41 weeks pregnant and it was likely that she would be called to a birth tomorrow or Sunday. If that were to happen then the back-up doula, Cate, would come. We said that we would talk after the non-stress test tomorrow.

After I got off the phone with Maria 2, I called my husband, again. He answered and I explained what was happening. He was stunned and asked me to wait a second while he found a more private place to sit and talk. Then I explained again and he said he was heading home right away. I told him that everything that could be done at the moment was being done and all arrangements that could be taken care of were taken care of. All we could do was try to relax and enjoy the quiet time before the baby arrived. He seemed to calm a little, but said he was still heading home right away.

While waiting for him to come home, I called my friend Brenna and made arrangements for her to care for the dog the next day while we were at the non-stress test, just in case they decided to induce right away. I also called my boss because I was supposed to work the next day and then again on Monday. I let her know what was happening and she told me not to come to work either day and that she wished me well.

Brad got home and he and I took the dog for a walk, went to dinner at our favorite diner, packed in case we need to stay at the hospital the next day, watched t.v. and chit chatted before bed. We also put the car seat and car seat manual in the trunk of the car so that at least we would have it with us if I was induced. Remember, I thought I had another 2 and 1/2 weeks to prepare.

We were so excited to meet the baby. We just wished for a healthy baby, healthy mom, and were grateful that though baby would be early at least she would be "full-term".

To be continued...

For more info. on Cholestasis: itchymoms.com

37 Weeks, 5 Days

2011-06-08T23:08:00.003-04:00

That is how far along I was when Abigail was born.

I always had a feeling that she would arrive early, but of her own volition. I also thought she would be here maybe a week before her estimated due date, but no more. So, I was surprised to meet Abigail at 37 weeks, 5 days gestation. I was delighted with her, thrilled to meet her, and so thankful that she was healthy and strong and safe. I hoped that some day Abigail would understand that her early birth was necessary for her safety and for mine, that we made the difficult and informed decision to induce because she would be safer on the outside than on the inside, that the decision was made out of overwhelming, boundless love for her.

I am getting ahead of myself though.

From the time that we decided to open ourselves up to bringing a baby into the world, we took everything as it came (we still take things as they come). We were very relaxed leading up to and throughout the pregnancy.

I had pregnancy gingivitis. So, I kept brushing and flossing as directed by my dentist.

I was diagnosed with anemia of pregnancy. So, I took two iron pills in addition to prenatal vitamins.

At my 37 week OBGYN appointment, I casually mentioned that I had been incredibly itchy all over my body a few days prior, but after a good lathering in cream it passed. I told her I chalked it up to normal pregnancy itching as skin stretched, but I thought I should mention it any way. She asked if the palms of my hands and soles of my feet were/had been itchy. I repeated that EVERYTHING had been itchy, but it passed. She told me that I might have Cholestasis of pregnancy. There was a very small chance, but it is a condition that can be dangerous to mom and baby, sometimes ending in "fetal demise" In order to rule it out, I just had to give a vile of blood. She reiterated that it was VERY UNLIKELY that I had it as only 1 in 1,000 women develop it. I said that I agreed it was best to rule it out just to know for sure. So, I stopped at the in office lab and they took my blood. They told me I would hear from the doctor regarding the resuts in a few days. I made my regular weekly OB appointment for the next week and headed home.

I wasn't worried. I probably didn't have it, but if I did have it at least we would know and be able to take the next necessary steps.

It was Thursday and I was 37 weeks, 1 day pregnant.
***

To be continued....

For more info. on Cholestasis: itchymoms.com

So Much Snow Much

2011-06-08T22:27:00.001-04:00

I wrote this so long ago and it is incomplete, but I wanted to post it anyway. Funny to post it in the middle of a heat wave here in New England. 98 degrees expected tomorrow!!!!!
___________________________________________

Another snowy day here in Massachusetts. I feel like January has been one gigantic blur of a snowstorm.

I don't mind the snow or the cold so much. What I mind is not being able to help clear it all up. My husband dutifully goes out and clears the driveway, starts and clears off my car, and puts down the doggie safe icemelt.

EVERY TIME IT SNOWS (which is mighty often these days), we have a conversations that goes roughly like this:

Me: "I want to come out and help you. Don't over do it. I don't want you to hurt yourself. Maybe I could just come out and clear the porch and the stairs..."

Husband: "Alex, you are pregnant."

Me: "Yeah, but I could do just a little..."

Husband: "Alex, you're pregnant."

Me: "I am pregnant, but still able bodied."

Husband: "Ok, you can help. (I get really excited, momentarily) Please unlock the basement door so that I can get out the snowblower. (I agree, but still feel badly that I can't do more. All this comes out in a pouty face) Alex, you're pregnant."

There must be women who shovel when they are pregnant to no adverse effect. What did they do "back in the day"? What about single moms who have no other choice? I feel stronger, more powerful, and more in awe of my body than ever. I want to use it. The will, the spirit is there.

Then I get grateful. Grateful that I ave a partner who cares for me. Grateful that I get to stay inside and blog, do dishes, cuddle with the puppy. Grateful that the baby is growing healthy and strong inside me (why potentially mess that up?).

Introducing Me As Mom

2011-06-03T14:58:00.001-04:00

Abigail arrived on March 21, 2011. 321...11, pretty cool birthday to have, I think. It was the first day of Spring and the Super Moon. She arrived 2 and a half weeks early at 12:10 a.m., peaceful. She did not cry until they started poking and prodding her, but was breathing just fine and was a 9 on her APGAR.

So, I am officially a Mother.

As I type, she sleeps peacefully against my chest. Now and again I take a moment to stroke her full head of hair, kiss her soft spot, and breath in her baby scent. So precious.

I am so thankful to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM). It has been a slow process, but we are beginning to get into a groove. I don't dare say routine, because it changes every day, but I feel like every day I get closer to being able to balance housework and baby activities. Time to do things like blogging, writing, painting, or sewing is still hard to come by, but I am attempting to begin phasing it in.

This transition time is precious and full of lessons, though, and for all of it I am grateful. I have always wanted to be a mother and have lots of experience with children of various ages, but nothing prepares you for having a child of your own. It is challenging and beautiful and so many other things at any given moment of the day. Miraculous, always. The gift of being able to take this all slowly and figure it out as we go along is amazing and all possible thanks to my hard-working, understanding, helpful husband.

My thoughts are so fragmented, but I am blogging dang it! ;-)

Some of the topics I hope to write about soon:
Cholestasis of Pregnancy
Birthing
Doulas
Postpartum Exercise
A Wedding
Doggy Swimming Lessons
Baby Wearing

Glad to be back and hoping it lasts!

Changing

2011-01-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

Since becoming pregnant, I have not wanted to blog. I don't know why, but I guess it is just that I'm changing. Everything is changing and I don't want to miss a moment of that change. I want to be entirely present in my life and for the life that is growing inside me. I guess I am in a period of transition... and words fail me... I just feel instead.

This coming Wednesday marks the start of my 28th week, the third trimester. I can hardly believe it. This pregnancy has been amazing, as all pregnancies are, I imagine. We did not know that I was pregnant until I was on the cusp of the 2nd trimester. I have felt well (some nausea, always remedied by eating). Despite my being on the low end of weight gain, the baby is growing and measuring as the baby should. Blessings, too numerous to count.

I am changing in mind and body.

Our house is changing, too. My husband seems to be "nesting", has anyone else experienced this phenomenon with their partner? He is going room by room, getting everything "just so" for the baby. I am taking bags of give-aways to the thrift store weekly. Our shredder is getting quite the work out as we empty our three two-drawer file cabinets with the goal of whittling it down to one. The office is well on its way to becoming the baby's room. Our accumulation of "stuff" is giving way to make space for the baby.

I have been thinking and thinking about this next statement... Our relationship is changing, too. It is still strong and loving and collaborative and... as it should be... as we want it to be... It is changing, but only getting better. Changing in the best way. It is just a feeling, no words.

We are becoming. I am becoming. He is becoming. The baby is becoming.

Change has never been more real or more welcome.

October

2010-10-28T09:24:00.001-04:00

October has been busy and filled with 2 new jobs, work to do at home, family events, and doctors appointments because...

I am carrying our first Brainy and Beautiful Baby :-)

This is an honor and a blessing.

Baby is due at the beginning of April.

Two New Jobs

2010-09-21T09:02:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have not one but two new jobs.

I am now working at a small local pet supply store 2 days a week. The store strives to provide quality pet supplies at affordable prices. It is five minutes away and Pierce the Puppy gets to come to work with me.

3 days a week, I assist a pet physical therapist who has a very busy practice. She does pet physical therapy on land and in the pool. Some dogs come just to use the pool, to get more comfortable in the water, and/or for really good low-impact exercise. The facility is also five minutes from home which allows me to go home at lunch time and take Pierce out.

I love the commute, the fact that I now work for local businesses, the set schedule (Fridays and Sundays off), the steady income, and working with animals.

Feeling really thankful <3

Hot, Hot, Hot - Snippets

2010-09-01T18:15:00.000-04:00

It's hot. Really hot. Maybe even hotter than last week in Bermuda, but in Bermuda there was the ocean to dip into. Anyhow, it is hot.

Strawberry ice cream, frozen fruit, central air, cold showers... All work well for a quick cool down.

BUT...

In the 95 degree heat, I can't bring myself to run. It is even too hot by 7 a.m. and still too hot at 7 p.m. Sure, I take quick walks around the block with the pup a few times a day, but it is just not the same.

I've always been a summer person, but I find myself really looking forward to the fall.

____________________

Had an interview and got a new job this morning to add to my current part-time job. It is a job with a local business that I really believe in. Training on Friday and start next Tuesday.

_______________________

This afternoon was spent with a friend and her baby girl. Mmmmmm.... babies. Mmmmmm.... girl talk.

Dare I say, better than strawberry ice cream :-)

Bermuda

2010-08-30T08:57:00.000-04:00

So, the August Break... yeah, I kinda let that fall by the wayside... BUT

LOOK!

It's Bermuda!

Day 11

2010-08-11T16:24:00.001-04:00

Lawrence of Arabia

When I was little, my mom washed my hair in the sink. She would run her fingers down a strand of my hair and it would squeak. "Squeaky clean! All done!" Then she or my father would put a towel turban on my head "just like Lawrence of Arabia."

Day 10

2010-08-10T08:02:00.001-04:00

Morning Light and Shadow

Day 9

2010-08-10T07:22:00.002-04:00

The American Way

Day 8

2010-08-09T00:50:00.001-04:00

Foraging

Day 7

2010-08-08T07:09:00.000-04:00

I See You

Day 6

2010-08-07T06:51:00.000-04:00

The Road Home

Day 5

2010-08-07T06:33:00.001-04:00

Sunset on Lake Cobbosseecontee, Monmouth, Maine

Off to Maine!

2010-08-04T23:18:00.001-04:00

In the morning I head to Maine! I will be "unplugged" until Friday night when I return home. When I get back I'll catch up on Days 5 and 6 of The August Break.

I'm driving up there to the wilds of Maine. It's a three hour drive and I will be all by myself. Not even a puppy to keep me company. Adventurous for me, but needed.

See you all Friday!

P.S. Day 4 Photo Post removed at request of newborn's parents

Day 3

2010-08-03T21:21:00.000-04:00

Setting

Running

Visiting

Day 2

2010-08-02T21:06:00.000-04:00

Party Clean-up and Recovery

A Few Words

2010-08-02T12:32:00.000-04:00

O.K. I know it is August Break which means keeping the words to a minimum, but just a few things happened at the end of July that I must write about, quick quick.

July 28 - Heart and Peter Frampton at BOA Pavillion. AMAZING!

Peter Frampton

Heart

July 29 - My best friend gives birth to Madison Grace. AMAZING!

Congrats Mama and Papa and sweet baby <3

Looking forward to meeting the little one!

Day 1 (Belated)

2010-08-02T10:50:00.001-04:00

So, yesterday was Day One of The August Break which just happened to coincide with the 30th Birthday Surprise Party for my husband. By 8:30 (an hour after all had left and most of the clean-up had been done) I was just too exhausted to post.

The party was at our house. So, in order to get my husband out so his family could come in and prepare the surprise, Pierce and I took the birthday man in to the city.

Pierce waiting for the Subway Train

I didn't take any party photos (other people did), but here is a quick photo I snapped before we went to bed.

Exhausted Birthday Man with remnants of surprise party

Great way to begin August and The August Break!

Joyful July

2010-07-26T08:16:00.002-04:00

It has been a Joyful July!

I finished up Unravelling: Ways of Seeing Myself with Susannah Conway. I am still reeling from that amazingness.

I launched my new project, Relay Mail. I have put 25 pieces of Relay Mail out into the world so far and will continue to. If you are interested in participating, please email me at relaymailproject@gmail.com and provide your snail mail address or email address and I will make and send you a piece.

My husband will turn 30 on Saturday. This is momentous and mind-boggling for him. I have been planning many festivities for the upcoming weekend. Finally, I feel like it is all coming together. Details to follow, as he reads my blog.

To top off this Joyful July, my best friend will be a mom any day now! She and I have been friends since we were 12. Her husband and my husband have known each other since kindergarten. I am so so so excited to meet the little bit baby girl and so so so over-the-moon for her parents!!!!!

July...Joyful, isn't it?

P.S. August brings The August Break. There is also a link/button in my sidebar. Join us, won't you?

The 10K

2010-07-06T13:56:00.000-04:00

No real deep, meaningful words yet. It was humid and hot. I ran the whole thing, no stopping. Even ran by the water stations with my hand out for the water. Finished in 1 hour and 16 minutes. Amazing. For now, the photos (all taken by my husband). Insights will follow at a later time.

1 Going Down, 29 to Go

2010-07-02T16:27:00.000-04:00

This weekend is jam packed with fun!

Today I visited with my best friend who has a baby coming soon.

Tomorrow, bike riding with husband.

SUNDAY, I RUN A 10K! That will knock one item of the 30 before 30 List :-)
I promise a full report with pictures on Monday.

Monday, I have to work part of the day, but will be sharing time between the husband and getting together with "the girls."

Happy 4th of July weekend! Enjoy!

How Does Your Garden Grow?

2010-06-30T11:59:00.000-04:00

The upstairs neighbors went on vacation and left a weed-filled garden for us to care for.

Yesterday I toiled in the 90 degree heat for two hours to achieve a weed-free, fully-mulched garden.

Weeding was challenging for me emotionally.
"Please release your life-energy back into the earth."
I kept inwardly praying to and for these little plants who grew against the odds.
O.K. I am officially a freak, but I still love myself..

It truly bothered me, though.
I really identify with weeds.
Weeds are actually quite beautiful if you take a moment to appreciate them.

I was also reminded of a poem I read in high school that really resonated with me, and still does:

Identity
by Julio Noboa Polanco

Let them be as flowers,
always watered, fed, guarded, admired,
but harnessed to a pot of dirt.

I'd rather be a tall, ugly weed,
clinging on cliffs, like an eagle
wind-wavering above high, jagged rocks.

To have broken through the surface of stone,
to live, to feel exposed to the madness
of the vast, eternal sky.
To be swayed by the breezes of an ancient sea,
carrying my soul, my seed,
beyond the mountains of time or into the abyss of the bizarre.

I'd rather be unseen, and if
then shunned by everyone,
than to be a pleasant-smelling flower,
growing in clusters in the fertile valley,
where they're praised, handled, and plucked
by greedy, human hands.

I'd rather smell of musty, green stench
than of sweet, fragrant lilac.
If I could stand alone, strong and free,
I'd rather be a tall, ugly weed.

weed-free garden top view, funny how some of the plants could be mistaken for weeds

No T.V. Experiment

2010-06-23T14:07:00.001-04:00

About a month/month and a half ago I gave up t.v.*

For me, t.v. has always been an easy escape. I could turn it on and zone out. Suddenly, though, I realized that I was missing my life. It was just flying by day after day and I was ignoring it, I was a bit numb to it.

Why watch other people do things when I could actually be doing things myself?

So, I started doing more. Painting. Writing. Reading (Ava Gardner: "Love Is Nothing"). Running. Taking photos (Kodak EasyShare MX1063). Riding my bike. More... Just everything I love.

It has made a huge difference.

Then I found another distraction.

The internet.

I love checking in on blogs, flickr, taking my e-course, jotting messages on Facebook... I need to use the internet for research while I am writing.

How do I balance my fun use and my work?

I think I need a timer, a little alarm that goes off after an hour of being sucked in link after link. A little alert back to the world around me. "Hey, Alex, wake up to your life!"

It is really wonderful that in eliminating one distraction, one way of disengaging from what is really important, I am becoming more aware of other ways that I do that.

I am determined to eliminate them or at least monitor my use of them, one by one.

P.S. *full disclosure: my husband does watch t.v. So, we watch sports or whatever other programs he has on in the evening. More and more, I find myself picking up a book or my journal or a sketchpad while he has the t.v. on instead of mindlessly following the t.v.

Excerpts from a letter

2010-06-22T12:56:00.001-04:00

to my 11 year old self:

"...you have the weight of the world on your little being. ... You are going to struggle for some semblance of normalcy...to somehow hold everything steady in the precarious balance. ... Making it up as you go along and your ability to adapt easily to change and new environments, dynamics, and situations will serve you well always."

"...you are holding back lots of feelings and questions that you are desperate to express...you'll do this for many years to come...when you finally release it pain will come, but the release will be beautiful and healing for you...It is not your fault, you know, any of it."

"You think that you have to do things in order to EARN LOVE. ... You are born of love, created of God's love, deserving of love because you ARE LOVE. YOU ARE LOVE. Love is not a commodity to be bought and traded. LOVE IS and It is all around you."

"When things are difficult. When you are out in the world on your own flailing around trying to find the right place to land,
REMEMBER.
Remember the strength and fortitude you have inside after all you've endured.
Remember the good things that have come from the bad. Some of your best traits were developed and strengthened through the struggle.
Remember all of the things that you wanted to do but were unable to due to responsibilities, circumstances and lack of money. Make a list. Make time. Do them.
Remember who you were from birth to 10.5. Love her. Hold on to the 5 year old inside you.. She holds the truth, the key to your purpose here on earth."

"Remember to forgive yourself. It's not your fault."

21 or 22 on island from Make Way for Ducklings

2010-06-21T16:33:00.002-04:00

21 or 22 on the island from Make Way for Ducklings
Originally uploaded by sillyspheres

Found this photo today. My husband took it of me and I had forgotten all about it and about this day. On our way to our Valentines lunch at Pho Pasteur on Newbury Street (no longer there), we were walking through the Public Garden. It was February and the pond where the Swanboats float in the summer, was frozen. In an act of spontaneity, we "ice skated" in our shoes and slipped and slid to the island in the middle where it is said Mr. and Mrs. Mallard nested with their babies. It was just beautiful and fun and freeing. I look so easy and breezy. Even in my hat, I look pretty and peaceful. Just love this photo and had to share.

Final 7

2010-06-21T16:33:00.000-04:00

Go out to do every day errands dressed to the nines, gown & all

Learn how to do a cartwheel, even if you only do one

Row a canoe on the Charles River

Participate in a health study

Apply for writer's retreat/conference/residency

Take an Adult Intermediate Swim Class

Learn more about being a messenger of light

More of the List

2010-06-17T13:53:00.000-04:00

Go to Sedona, Arizona ( a spiritual center, vortexes)

Become a parent

Play piano again (even just a little electronic piano)

Have piece of my art displayed somewhere

Make pasta from scratch

Speak in front of a sizable crowd of people

Learn bookbinding

Get Pierce trained as a therapy dog and start volunteering with him

8 more added to the list... 7 more to be added later... I never thought making the list would take such time for me.

29

2010-06-17T04:06:00.003-04:00

I turned 29 on the 15th, Another year gone by. A year filled with so much growth. For the first year in a very long time, maybe ever, I truly look back and see and feel a wonderful change, a transformation that is still in the process of occurring...we're all works in progress.

The past year was all about inner, emotional growth and overcoming the past.

Feeling more self aware and more stable in myself, I feel prepared to take action this year, to come outside of myself and show the world what I have to offer.

Lists help me to stay on the right track. So,...

30 Things to Do Before I am 30:
See one book length writing project through to completion

~~Get Relay Mail out of my mind and into the world~~ (DONE! 7/8/10)

Plant seeds in edging around backyard parking

Begin a paper journal again

Do one painting a month

Rent a table at a craft fair and sell some of the beautiful things I have made

~~Run a road race of any length~~ (DONE! 10K on 7/4/10)

Volunteer at local food pantry or get involved with St. Ann Society

Take road trip (maybe to the Outer Banks?)

Contact Mrs. DeLorenzo and/or Ms. Pepin and/or Miss. Sullivan. Teachers who changed me.

Watch AFI's Top 10 titles (just need to see Citizen Kane and Casablanca)

Audition for local play

Be an extra in a movie or commercial

Weekend Getaway by myself

Send short piece of writing to magazines to be considered for publication

Well, that is 15 of 30.... a start.

Piling Up

2010-06-09T08:43:00.000-04:00

Lately, I have been putting a lot of energy into making sure everyone else gets what they need. If I am available, I do whatever people have asked for.

Sitting amidst the mess of my house on Monday, I surveyed the damage. Piles of laundry. Piles of art supplies. Piles of dishes. Piles of puppy toys. Piles of boxes of husband's stuff. Piles of journals and books.

While I was out and about taking care of everyone else because I was "available", my life had begun to pile up around me threatening to topple over and bury me.

I began to think about the feelings that have been piling up inside me as well and all of the things that I would like to do that I am "too busy" to do.

I realized that when people ask something of me, I don't want to lie and say I have plans when I don't. If the "only" thing I have to do is hang around cleaning the house and painting or writing, why not help someone out? Because, it piles up. My feelings and my possessions and the list of things that need doing in my life, pile up.

Next time someone asks something of me I am going to think more deeply before saying yes. If the image that comes into my brain is a paintbrush in my hand, a book and a cup of lemonade and my rocking chair, a full sink of dishes... my answer will be:

"I'm sorry. I can't because I have plans."

Even if my plans are cleaning the house or a date with a good book, they are still plans. Though caring for others is important, I need to remember to extend that to myself more often, engage in more self care.

Gaining Confidence

2010-06-02T10:07:00.001-04:00

I have been away for so long!!!! I have been sucked into my new Unravelling E-Course with Susannah Conway (yippee! :-D) and I have worked every day since my last post (Ack!!!).

The e-course has me facing lots of fears and acting more boldly which is already boosting my confidence as Week Two begins. I can only imagine where I will be by the time Week 8, our final week, concludes! Boggling! I highly recommend this course to EVERYONE!

Running is a real outlet for me and I have talked about it many times here. Last week, I realized that I only go running with the dog. I never go alone. Why? Well, I was afraid. What might happen to me if I went alone? What if I am only able to run because the dog is a motivator, keeps me moving forward? What if I went running and found that I gave up on myself and just started walking? Could I really do it alone?

Turns out that I can do it alone and be motivated, strong, and safe.

Do something that scares you this week. You might just surprise yourself.

Take it from me, the confidence boost you will give yourself will be amazing, intoxicating!

<3 xoxo <3

Written on the Wall

2010-05-26T23:29:00.000-04:00

First Video Blog (vlog) taken late yesterday afternoon. View it here!

Outgrown

2010-05-25T18:56:00.001-04:00

Watch me try to fit myself into a dress that I haven't worn in about 5 years.

Guess what, it doesn't fit.

I love this dress, but it doesn't fit.
I have fond memories of places I wore this dress.
I remember all of the people this dress has met.
This dress does not fit me anymore. It does not fit me physically or represent me emotional or spiritually.
It is meant for a different girl (or boy... no judgment). I will be giving it away, letting it go.

It pulls at me.
It squeezes me tight, not wanting to let go.
I pry the zipper down and send it on its next journey, without me.

In letting go of this dress, I am letting go of the past.

This is one step toward releasing all of the parts of my life that no longer fit, no longer serve me...
and vice versa.

To living in the moment and becoming more of who we are! Bon Voyage, Silver Dress!

Edge'y'

2010-05-22T14:31:00.002-04:00

Blogging from work during my 30 minute break. I really like my job and the team of people I work with, but heavens to Betsy, it sure is a crazy busy Saturday!

I feel like this itty bitty ladybug and I am trying to remind myself how to step back from the edge.

What do you do to "talk yourself down" when you are getting nutty?

I am eating nuts in hopes of getting my blood sugar back to where it should be. Nuts for the nutty.

I also try to go inside myself, get back to center, do mindful breathing... but sometimes I don't feel like I even have a moment to do that.

and... my time is up! Back to the floor to put clothes away and straighten sale.

Random Sales Associate - Not me...clearly.

I AM so grateful to be employeed and work with such an amazing team of people and for such a wonderful company EVEN when I am on the edge.

Happy Saturday!

Out on a Limb

2010-05-21T15:03:00.002-04:00

My latest creation and something to think about.

Have a beautiful weekend!

In between

2010-05-20T13:12:00.002-04:00

Sitting at Melissa's graduation yesterday, listening to the long list of graduates names being called, I began drawing.

On the occasion of MP's Graduation - 5/19/2010

Inbetween the lines on the tree I wrote:

"Its all in the inbetween, the seams, the knowing
Fill in the dark hole and make it light brighter
and brighter with the untapped energy
you possess, the gifts unused
Use your energy to shine light
to bring love, untold amounts of love
to the world - unleash your heart"

Being at the graduation was wonderful. I was so happy to be there with Melissa and celebrate her and her accomplishments. Summa Cum Laude. Salutatorian. Survivor. To witness someone achieving one of their dreams is...breath-taking.

At times, it was difficult. I have a different story when it comes to higher education. I have attended the university from which Melissa graduated and may some day graduate from there myself as my story is not over. There was no jealousy, no wishing it was me up there, no longing. My dreams are of a different sort and I believe that I have the power to achieve them without a degree. As they say, "There is more than one way to skin a cat." I am taking things day by day, doing a little bit every day to get where I would like to be, and trusting that my path is unfolding as it should.

What made it difficult was people asking me when I was going to graduate, telling me not to take it slowly, telling me that next year I would be up on the stage graduating even if they had to drag me to class themselves.

Those comments are not about me at all. They are about the people from which they came.

While I am sure that the commentators love me and meant the things they were saying to be encouraging, they were not.

I leaned over to my husband and whispered how thankful I am for his full acceptance of me and support of the unconventional path I am treading. I told him that one day I would get an honorary degree for all of the amazing things I am going to accomplish while no one is watching.

The comments that were made were about what the people saying them want for me, not at all about what I want for myself.

As humans, I believe that most of us find it extraordinarily difficult to separate what we want from what others want. Our desires for ourselves and how we envision our lives and the people who orbit around us, seep into everything and muddy the reality of who the people in our lives really are and what they really want. Instead of trying to make the people in our lives fit into the mold we have created for them, I believe we would be better served by supporting them in becoming more of who they are. In doing so, I believe we would tap into unceasing pools of love and be changed for the better ourselves.

I am the in between.
The blinding light comes through me.
Open the shades.

Signs

2010-05-12T14:54:00.003-04:00

On my photo walk, I took lots of photos of signs.

These are the first two signs I encountered and I couldn't quite believe it. Just that afternoon I had happened upon Pia's blog. She lives in Amsterdam on a houseboat. Maybe I have lots to learn from her. Maybe I should go to Holland.

Not sure about this combo, but I'm thinking on it. Offspring in my future?

Budget and DO NOT BLOCK DRIVEWAY. I think that this is about budgeting my time so that I have more of a balance between practical tasks (laundry, dishes, etc) and creative tasks (writing, painting, sewing, etc.). I think that I sometimes use the excuse of "needing" to do practical things to block myself from doing the things I really love, the things that, if I would just sit down and do them, would make my dreams come true.

No more blocking my own driveway!

Here is that word again...and again... DRIVE. I need to uncover my hidden drive to succeed at my creative endeavors and just drive blindly into those endeavors on a leap of faith, be at peace with the not knowing.

There is just something about this photo that I adore. I took this and didn't even really know why I was driven to. This morning I happened upon Christine Mason Miller's blog and her 100 Books Project. I am hoping to participate. Maybe I should start my own Relay Mail Project... The gears are turning.

Another that I am still thinking on.

Finally "ROAD WORK AHEAD". I took this as a reminder that the paths we take in life aren't always easy, that going blindly into the future is not easy, that there is a lot of work to be done along the way. I have a feeling it is worth it.

What signs have you been missing?

Warming Up

2010-05-11T13:15:00.003-04:00

I have signed up for Susannah Conway's "Unravelling: Ways of Seeing Myself" e-course which starts on May 24th. I am not quite sure what to expect, but I know somehow that it will be extraordinary.

The course is photography and journalling based. My writing is stronger than my photography. Yesterday I decided to dust off the camera in an effort to begin warming up for the course.

Instead of running my normal route, I walked it to see what normally passes in a blur.

Bleeding Hearts in the Front Yard

I often forget how closely together natural and man-made things co-exist.

Gardens and Neighbors

I run down a little path every day and don't even look at what is on either side of me. I never noticed the garden or the skyline.

Luscious Moss

I just wanted to lay down in this soft bed of moss beneath the shady tree..

All That Glitters

I snapped this while running over a bridge. Usually I am paying attention to my running pace, fellow pedestrians, and the traffic to my left. This photo reminds me to look both ways when crossing the bridge.

Sway

This is a bench I always pass. I just love the light and the curves and the lines and the niches that indicate a life well lived.

Reflections

I always notice the statue of the Madonna in this yard, but never caught the reflection in the old window.

Twisted

I wonder how this tree came to grow this way. Maybe something was wrapped tightly around the tree and the tree healed over it? Beautiful.

Abundance

Delicate strength. Miniature boldness. Light support. Abundance. I invite all into my life.

These are just eight of the literally hundreds of images I took yesterday. There is so much to see if your looking for it. Every day miracles.

Dear Dad

2010-05-10T13:02:00.002-04:00

Dear Dad,
I was reading this today and thought of you.

I remembered when we lived on South Street and you used to bring out the Polaroid camera and shoot photos.

I remembered how patiently you taught six year old me to wrap my hand around the strap of the heavy camera, place my other hand on the other side, finger poised above the button, focus on what I wanted to see, wanted others to see and... CLICK!

I remembered waiting for the image to appear. You would come down to my level, resting the whole of your weight on the balls of your feet and lean in behind me, peering over my shoulder at the picture you held in front of us both. Sometimes you trusted me to hold the photo myself, gently between the pointer finger of each hand so as not to smudge the developing photo with my fingers or crush the photo between the weight of my fingers on either side.

We waited and those few minutes sometimes felt like an eternity. I was not always a patient child and, even now, am not always a patient adult, but you helped me pass the time. You told me how it worked, what was happening as we waited, you often chalked it up to "Magic!", and slowly it appeared... what I wanted to see, what I wanted others to see.

As I got older, you taught me more. We "played" with the lenses and the light. You showed me Polaroids you had taken long ago. You allowed me, provided me with the tools, to tap my imagination and to create and to feel safe in sharing this with others.

I remember your delighted laughter, low and dark emerging slowly from the back of your throat, at my observations as I was framing a photo and at my amazement when my photos developed.

I miss your laugh.

I miss you.

Fast forward to almost a year ago. When Grammy passed away, your parents' house was cleaned out and you found Grampy's camera. If I could find film for it, you would teach me how to use it, you promised. I would like to do that. Would you?

Over the past year I have been transforming. I have said the things and asked the questions that reside in my soul in an effort to show the people I love how much I love them, how much I desire to have truthful, deeper, stronger relationships with them. Mostly, my outreach has not been reciprocated, my questions have gone unanswered, but I continue to hope and to love. I have asked for really big things, huge leaps of faith, and I recognize that. I wait patiently for people to develop, for life to develop, for the future to develop. I stand firmly in the now with hope and intention and, most importantly, love.

I still believe in "Magic!"

Love,
Your Daughter

Where are my Words?

2010-05-10T11:57:00.002-04:00

Lately, I have been posting quotes and poems more than I have been sharing my own thoughts and pieces I have written.

******
Why?

Where are my words?

When are they going to come back?

What is holding me back?

Who knows better, can say better what I am feeling and thinking than me?

How can I tap the well of my feelings and thoughts so that I can express them in my own words again?
******

I don't believe in "I don't know."

I think that lately I am more visual. More inclined towards drawing, painting, and collage'ing' through my feelings.

I am also seeking answers through reading things that catch my eye, come to me in dreams, and fall off of shelves onto my feet.

I've been spending time cleaning my house, sorting through documents and photos and long forgotten possessions, and in the quiet of that I have found some clarity, some peace, a way to hear, to listen to what I need and to let go of the things I do not.

I find it difficult to write about the things I have been doing, this transformation I am going through, what has been happening to me, in me. I post my photos and the quotes and poetry of others in the hope that they will convey my state of being on any given day at any given moment. When I find these words, these gifts, I quickly gather and post them in hopes of preserving them and it comes from a desire to share the gifts I have been given by the world with the world.

BUT...

My writings are a gift, too. My thoughts are a gift, too. Not sharing my gifts, my talents, my authentic self, is a disservice.

Ill get there. By writing this post, I am getting there.

I'm finding the words.

2010-05-10T11:07:00.001-04:00

Marriage is not a love affair,
it's an ordeal.
It is a religious exercise, a sacrament,
the grace of participating in another life.
If you go into marriage with a program,
you will find that it won't work.
Successful marriage
is leading innovative lives together,
being open, non-programmed.
It's a free fall: how you handle each new thing as it comes along.
As a drop of oil on the sea,
you must float,
using intellect and compassion
to ride the waves.
- Joseph Campbell

Fairytale Time

2010-05-09T23:16:00.000-04:00

The Wise Little Girl

2010-05-09T08:47:00.003-04:00

The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men - from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T08:43:00.000-04:00

To all mothers and mothers-to-be and mothers of furry creatures, Enjoy your day!

I will be at Anthropologie working all day, but I'll be thinking of you and sending you love.

Thank you for taking on the awesome task of birthing and raising the future of our world.

Wisdom Resides

2010-05-09T08:40:00.000-04:00

Last night I worked until close. While we were tidying the store, I was chatting with one of the women who is moving to Philly soon. We were talking about her new apartment and what she is going to do when she gets there and where she is going to work.

"I am going to do x,y,z while I figure out what I really want to do with the rest of my life, when I grow up" she said.

"Don't worry about what you are going to be 'when you grow up'. No one knows what they'll be doing next. Just keep doing. If we aren't evolving, we aren't living." I replied.

I surprised even myself. I didn't know what I was going to say until it came out. It was almost as if it wasn't me who was saying it at all. I realized that it was something that I needed to hear, too.

Somewhere deep inside, wisdom resides.

2010-05-04T23:58:00.002-04:00

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

Eskimo Proverb

Don't Drink the Water

2010-05-04T23:29:00.000-04:00

I live in one of the 30 communities, one of the 700,000 households, affected by the water main break in Weston, MA on May 1st. I am one of 2 million people affected. I have been boiling water for 4 days.

Today the ban was lifted.

Over the past few days, I have realized how lucky we are. Yes, this was a frustrating, time consuming situation at times, but it was temporary. A State of Emergency was even issued and help came to us quickly. When we couldn't find water at the many nearby stores which we could drive to in our cars, we just boiled some on our gas stove and poured it into our pitchers which we put into our refrigerator to chill.

Every day, all over the world, people walk miles to the nearest water source carrying their jugs and their children, often through unsafe areas. When they get to the water source, they fill their jugs themselves and most of the time the water isn't even clean. Some times the children and other people are bathing in the water source as the adults are collecting water from it. Then they walk miles back to their homes and repeat the journey the next day.

1.6 million people die from unclean water every year.

5,000 children die from unclean water every day.

We can all do somethings about this:
Global Water
Charity: Water
A Child's Right
World Health Organization
Water for the Ages

Angel Kitty

2010-05-04T22:55:00.000-04:00

Rest In Peace, Iris <3

1997 - Sunday, May 2, 2010

Art Therapy

2010-04-30T00:33:00.000-04:00

Recently, my sister-in-law, Melissa, has been coming over for dinner and conversations and energy healing and soul searching and the like... basically, love.

Next month, Melissa graduates from college with a degree in Art Therapy and all kinds of awesome concentrations and minors. Last Thursday, we did a little art therapy together. Her basic advice was to just put the chosen art tool to the paper and see what flows out. "There is no 'wrong' way."

I found it amazingly freeing and felt deeply relaxed and clear when we were done. I have a sense that the art that comes out of it isn't the point of the exercise... getting the feelings out is ..., but I'll share anyhow.

Several times since, I have had moments where I feel the need to put colored pencil to paper and have taken a moment to do so and felt so much better for it.

Give it a try!

Me Tonight

2010-04-29T23:07:00.000-04:00

Good Night! Sleep Tight! Don't let the bed bugs bite! (that is a "my mom"ism)

Off to Work

2010-04-28T12:21:00.000-04:00

Looking the part...?

Curl Up

2010-04-28T10:58:00.003-04:00

Today is one in a string of chilly, rainy days we've had since Sunday.

It seems to be getting to us at our house.

The animals have showed me that sometimes you just have to...

curl up and...

hang tight.

Kitty Today

2010-04-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

I think she loves me.

Holding Hands

Ears

Laundry and Little Bits

Sweet Face

Our 1st Baby

2010-04-27T20:37:00.003-04:00

Iris, our cat, is our first baby. When we finally got our first place, just the two of us, we decided that we would get a furry love to share the place. We went to a local humane society to visit the cats. We entered a play area to visit with one cat, but another jumped on my legs. Then she jumped on Brad's legs, startling him, causing him to sit in a chair where she promptly inserted herself onto his lap. When we told the volunteers that she would be coming home with us, they repeatedly asked if we were sure because Iris had basically been deemed "unadoptable". She had been with them for over a year, longer than any other animal they had at that time, and they imagined she would be with them forever. Not so. She would be with us forever.

Forever. When we adopted Iris she was estimated to be 8ish. So, we knew she was older, but we knew she still had a lot of great years left in her. We had no illusions about mortality, but she'd already wormed her way into our hearts so quickly that we knew she would always have a place in them, always be immortalized there. She will.

Over the past nine months, Iris (now 13ish)has kept up her appetite, but lost significant weight. On Sunday, we found her straining to eliminate. We called the vet. Yesterday the vet came. Iris is anemic and, though she is still drinking like she always has, she is dehydrated. After struggling to find a vein, the vet took blood to test for kidney disease, thyroid issues, diabetes, etc. Upon physical examination, the vet found what she believes to be a large irregular tumor growing on Iris' bladder. Most likely, Iris has bladder cancer (rare in cats). While we wait for test results and an appointment with the ultrasonographer, we are giving Iris 1/4 of a pill every day to reduce inflammation and feeding her copious amounts of protein, even letting her lick chunks of butter off our fingers. It seems that whatever she will eat, we must feed her because the cancer is hungry so when she eats, the cancer is fed first and the reason she is so skinny is because she has been living off fat stores and muscle, etc. So, we feed her and love her and cuddle her and spoil her even more than we already have been and we cherish every day even more. Iris will be gone soon, but forever in our hearts.

We have talked about what measures we are willing to take in the coming months, once we get the diagnosis. They will be minimal. We don't want her to be in pain. We don't want to keep her here just for us. Painful though it will be, we are prepared to let her go. At first, part of me was o.k. with giving her pills every day and keeping her comfortable until the time comes. After holding her and forcing a pill down her throat this morning, I changed my mind. I don't want her to go through that every morning with multiple pills. I don't want to be the lady who tortures her every day just to keep her here. It is better to let her go.

We are waiting for the results of the blood test. We are waiting to confirm the tumor by ultrasound. We are working through acceptance of the fact that it is time to let our first baby go.

Christmas 2009

Spring 2010

I just needed to say it all out loud. I am glad to have this safe space in which to say it. It is real. Saying it, writing it, makes it more real. It's just another step in letting it sink in and accepting it.

2010-04-27T14:33:00.001-04:00

God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try. - Mother Theresa

Lilacs

2010-04-21T11:36:00.001-04:00

In the door-yard fronting an old farm-house, near the white-wash’d palings,
Stands the lilac bush, tall-growing, with heart-shaped leaves of rich green,
With many a pointed blossom, rising, delicate, with the perfume strong I love,
With every leaf a miracle......and from this bush in the door-yard,	15
With delicate-color’d blossoms, and heart-shaped leaves of rich green,
A sprig, with its flower, I break. - Walt Whitman, When Lilacs Last in the Door-yard Bloom'd

The Purple Lilacs are Plentiful and Positively Perfect, but I am looking forward to the White Lilacs blooming, too.

The Map of Love

2010-04-21T11:29:00.001-04:00

I recently finished reading Ahdaf Souief's novel The Map of Love. It was fascinating. I savored it slowly. The novel follows three generations of a family living in Egypt. It bounces back and forth between the early 1900's when Egypt was under British Occupation and 1997. Souief was able to concoct an intoxicating blend of history, love, intrigue, scandal, family, and politics. I was constantly reminded how interwoven all of these concepts are in all of our lives and how little actually changes with time.

Tending Your Garden

2010-04-21T11:19:00.000-04:00

Six days ago, I was walking the dog in the late afternoon. I had just finished a long shift at the store and was on my 8th straight day of working. I was looking forward to having the next day off. The walk was the first step toward winding down.

When I walk with the dog, I bring a trash bag to collect litter along the way. May be a little weird? Well, it's my small contribution to the world. Anyway, I saw a piece of paper on the ground. Something made me pick it up and put it in my coat pocket instead of in the trash bag.

When I got home, I unfolded the tattered sheet of paper:

"How to create a thriving garden"

The sheet went on to list proverbs from the bible and ways to care for yourself and others spiritually, emotionally... Ways to build a happy and abundant life for you and those you love...

"Prov 14:1 A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."
I am still thinking on this one. It struck a cord with me and I find myself mulling it over in my mind regularly.

How do I build my house? With love, with care, by valuing it and everything and everyone in it... What might I be doing currently that might be tearing my house down? What could I avoid or do in the future to preserve it? House doesn't only have to mean house. A house is a structure. So, house could mean many structures in my life. This whole idea of building my house could be applied to other things. My friends and family are my support structure. My body is the structure that houses my soul. My soul is the structure that brings life to my body. My mind is the structure that propels me forward with new ideas and ways of growing. All of these structures are connected to make the whole of my life. So, I continue to mull it over.

Help - heart of humility and teachability
This also stood out to me. Humility. Humble. Teachability. Teach. Ability. Teach Ability.

"Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
"When you take care of yourselves, you can take care of others."
"We are called to lay down our lives for our families, but we must also have a life that we can lay down."

I have been working like a mad woman. In the past two weeks, I have had 1 day off.

One Day Off.

I am grateful for the blessings of financial abundance and the opportunity to continue to grow and potentially advance at a company that I really like with a team of people that I really like, admire and can learn a lot from.

It leaves little time for tending my garden, though. I feel that I need to work on bringing things back into balance. A set schedule might help... or 2 days off per week... or 1 day off per week... or some sort of check-in with my manager... This is all attainable, but I have to ask for it. I have to decide what I need and ask for it. That would be a big step toward better tending all patches of my garden.

Decide what you need and ask for it.

As someone who finds herself tending to others needs often and is usually more than happy to do so, identifying my needs and asking for them to be met is challenging. Though challenging, I am recognizing more and more that it is necessary.

Tend your garden and it will thrive. It's all within you, within your power. Isn't that a beautiful thing, a beautiful gift? A knowledge you can carry with you, inside you, and draw strength from. That is something to be thankful for.

P.S. I found myself thinking of this post while writing the above.

2010-04-20T13:16:00.000-04:00

I don't have time for words today. Hope this puppy makes your day!

2010-04-20T12:24:00.000-04:00

You will remember

Pablo Neruda

You will remember that leaping stream
where sweet aromas rose and trembled,
and sometimes a bird, wearing water
and slowness, its winter feathers.
You will remember those gifts from the earth:
indelible scents, gold clay,
weeds in the thicket and crazy roots,
magical thorns like swords.
You'll remember the bouquet you picked,
shadows and silent water,
bouquet like a foam-covered stone.
That time was like never, and like always.
So we go there, where nothing is waiting;
we find everything waiting there.

2010-04-20T12:22:00.002-04:00

"Here I came to the very edge where nothing at all needs saying...and every day on the balcony of the sea, wings open, fire is born, and everything is blue again like morning."
— Pablo Neruda

Working through the weekend

2010-04-10T07:26:00.000-04:00

I am off to work in two minutes! Just wanted to say hello and happy weekend to all of you <3 I am working THROUGH the weekend, so have some extra fun for me!

I know these guys will:

Christmas 2009

2010-04-07T17:57:00.000-04:00

...seemed like an empty dream, but its rolling forward...

Play Ball!

2010-04-07T13:58:00.004-04:00

My husband won tickets to last night's Red Sox game from his company. We have been to many a Red Sox game during our 9 years and going strong relationship, but we have never sat in the State Street Pavilion section of the ballpark.

Walking up the ramps to the Pavilion, I gasped at the gorgeous views of the city.

Once in the seats, we really enjoyed the unique perspective from which we were able to watch the game.

You can still see part of the opening day paint behind home plate.

The City and Citgo behind The Monster.

We were flanked by the new Cumberland Farms sign on the right...

and the Press Box (with Championship Pennants) on the left.

Later in the game, around the 5th or 6th inning, one of husband's co-workers let us know there were a couple seats open next to him in the third row of the Pavilion seats.

We headed down and I took a few more shots:

John Lester

"Opening Day", home plate, Ump, and Ortiz

Happy Husband

All in all an excellent night, even though the Sox lost. I'm so grateful for the experience.

Running Season Re-Deux

2010-04-05T13:41:00.002-04:00

Last year, when Pierce the puppy came to live with us, I started running and I came to love it. May through at least November, we ran at least twice a day.

Then winter came, cold and snowy and slippery. We enjoyed the delights of Winter, but I was not delighted by winter running. So, we walked, tumbled in the snow, made people and puppy snow angels, and the like.

Now Spring has returned and we have just returned from our first run of the season.

Me after our run

Pierce after our run

Last year I felt as if I was running from something. This year I feel as if I am running toward something wonderfully unknown and yet somehow divine. I am so looking forward to accepting it gratefully moment by moment.

Healing and Growing

2010-04-05T11:44:00.003-04:00

This tree stretches from the banks of the Charles River to the far reaches of the sky. It is powerful, strong, and silently speaks volumes to me. Last year, my tree was the willow. This year this tree is my wonder. I can't stop staring at it. The loops and stunning shapes of the branches are intoxicating, The different thickness of each of the branches, all at different stages of growth, but all working together for the greater growth of the tree are miraculous. Most interesting to me, what I most often find myself reflecting on, are the knots in the smaller branches. The knots are a break, a difficulty in the branch, but the branch moves through it and keeps growing, always in a different direction, but still the same branch. Fascinating. Inspiring. Worth meditating on.

Nature has a lot to teach us if we are willing to look, to pay attention, to truly see beyond the tangible.

Over the past few months I have been doing a lot of healing and growing. I've been reflecting, getting in touch with my spirit. Finding out things about myself that I had forgotten, but part of me always knew. This is just the beginning for me, but I am confident it will take me in many different directions that will ultimately lead me to the source. All of us are always healing and growing and exploring different avenues that lead to growth and more healing. I think that is what life is all about. I believe that every experience is valid and will ultimately lead to greater good, greater growth, greater healing for everyone.

This tree has so much to teach me. I'm listening.

Risen Today

2010-04-04T09:33:00.001-04:00

To those who celebrate, I wish a beautiful, peaceful day of reflection and renewed hope.

A place of reflection for me this morning was found here.

Happy Easter! Happy Spring!

Evening Light

2010-04-03T23:52:00.000-04:00

Forever in Peace May You Wave

Bank

Library

Dogwood

Town Hall

Domed

St. Patrick's

Sunset Over Surging Waters

2010-04-03T23:40:00.000-04:00

Record Rains

2010-04-03T23:26:00.000-04:00

Here in Massachusetts we experienced back to back record rainfall which resulted in massive flooding. Living just outside Boston, we received less rain than many, but still lots and lots.

These are a few of the many photos I took by the Charles River on the second day post-rain:

High on the pilings

Currents

Washed Out

Across the path and...

beyond the Bench.

Battering the Bridge

Over the dam...

...

... and...

Under the bridge

Give a Hoot. Don't Pollute.

2010-04-03T22:51:00.000-04:00

Don't we all remember this 1970's PSA and this 1986 PSA?

Then why is this the state of the Charles River after the rain?

Please, in the less famous words of Woodsy Owl, "Lend a hand. Care for the Land."

via 21st Century Schools

Signs of Spring

2010-04-03T22:38:00.000-04:00

The day after all the rain stopped here in New England, out came the sun..

Tulips emerge.

Baseball begins.

Sporty cars come out to play.

Flowers bloom.

Rose of Sharon (?)

Budding.

Safely sheltered.

Green.

Oh Baby

2010-03-31T21:20:00.000-04:00

It seems that everywhere I go, or even if I'm staying put, I am surrounded by babies and toddlers.

At work, a little girl came into the fitting room with her mom and ended up sitting on the couch "helping" me fold and put clothes on hangers. Today, a little boy crawled all the way across our huge dressing room and sat at my feet gazing up at me. There was also the little girl in her galoshes who came over to me and offered her ladybug umbrella. Oh, and did I mention the woman with the three wild little boys who gathered around the register and behaved when I started talking with them as I rang up the order? I divided the items into three different bags so they could each help their mom by carrying one.

When I came home, I took the dog for a walk and we ran into a little boy and little girl who were with their mom and Grandma. They were jumping in the overflowing Charles River and were overjoyed when the dog joined in the fun. they wanted me to jump to, but, alas, no galoshes.

The Universe is trying to tell me something and refuses to let up on my calling to work with children, by gosh.

Also, I'll admit it, its giving me a teensy weensy touch of baby fever.

Oh, baby...

Always at Anthro

2010-03-30T11:15:00.001-04:00

The little job I got to help us through the winter holidays has turned into more than I could have dreamed. I am now working at Anthropologie for 20 to 30 hours a week! I work with an amazing team of people and truly enjoy it.

Being at work so often, I try lots of things on and try to pace my self when it comes to purchasing.

So, I thought I would share some of my recent purchases, and a few items on pace to be purchased, with you.

Accessories are my new favorite thing because they always fit and always flatter:
Purchased:

The Cylindrical Braid Belt comes in brown, black, red, and yellow. I purchased it in yellow, though I am lusting for the red AND am thinking of buying it in brown or black just to have a neutral. SO COMFY! I look for any excuse to wear it.

Hello, Gorgeous Bracelets are a great buy at 5 bracelets for $38.00. They can be worn all together, one at a time, or mix and match. They are a mix of casual (beads), fancy (rhinestones), and classic (pearls). Also, they are elastic so they fit any wrist. They are my Go To when I am rushing to get ready and don't have time to fumble with clasps.

On Pace:

Peony Pave Posts
Woven Buds Belt

Bottoms:
Purchased:

James Jeans Twiggy are amazingly soft, comfortable, stretchy, and flattering. I especially love the back pockets which somehow seemingly give the derrier a lift. The length is even perfect on little old 5'1 and a half me.

On Pace:
Slouched and Tabbed Bermudas - Love that they can be rolled up or down.
Nostalgic Lace Skirt

Tops:
Purchased:
Pure and Good Basic V-Neck - Soft, simple, great for layering. I bought this in brown and purple.
Cartography Cardigan - soft, unique. I love it with jeans and solid dresses.

On Pace:
Button Bin Cardi
Window Box Tank

Dresses:
Purchased:

All-Seasons Shirtdress - Warning: Runs Big! Wear a 6/8, but got a 0. Looks even better with a belt!

On Pace:
Dotted Greetings

Thanks for shopping along with me!

Revived

2010-03-27T15:56:00.000-04:00

I thought it was lost and gone forever, but the kind people at blogger restored it. All posts from December 2007 through December 2009 can be found here.

Thank you Blogger peeps!

Fairy Garden

2010-03-26T21:54:00.002-04:00

6:40 P.M., overcast, no flash, no editing

When the winds of March are wakening the crocuses and crickets,
Did you ever find a fairy near some budding little thickets,...
And when she sees you creeping up to get a closer peek
She tumbles through the daffodils, a playing hide and seek.
~Marjorie Barrows

And as the seasons come and go, here's something you might like to know. There are fairies everywhere: under bushes, in the air, playing games just like you play, singing through their busy day. So listen, touch, and look around - in the air and on the ground. And if you watch all nature's things, you might just see a fairy's wing. ~Author Unknown

Tiny Fawn

2010-03-26T02:05:00.000-04:00

via Holy Cuteness

In honor of Springity Spring.

Calling

2010-03-26T01:10:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time I wanted to be a teacher. Then I thought that maybe, once I finished my bachelor's, I would get my masters in library science and become a school librarian. I never rule out possibilities, but, to date, none of these events have occurred. Still, I feel this calling, stronger and stronger these days, to work with children.

I feel called to be a mother, but this "You must work with children" calling seems somehow separate from that. I keep asking, "Well, Universe, how should I work with children? In what capacity? Please lead me to it."

On Sunday morning, I was walking the dog. Normally we pass by the cemetery, but this time I ventured in. I went off the path and wandered along the periphery until I reached a remote corner of the cemetery and this statue of Our Lady of Fatima. Holy Mary, Mother of God. I got on my knees and said a prayer.

As I set about wandering again, I kept stopping to look at certain gravestones. It seemed that every one I looked at was that of a child. One belonged to a baby who did not survive the first day. I said prayers for each of them. I assured them that each moment of their lives, however brief, was a gift to the world and to their parents, who I am sure wouldn't trade their time with them for anything in the world.

Each time I stopped and saw the all too brief dates on the stones, I wondered, "what am I to do with this? what am I to learn from this? how am I being guided?" I left the cemetery with those questions still unanswered.

Yesterday, I was browsing the internet and came across information on becoming a doula. Suddenly the meaning of my walk in the cemetery came clear. The gravestones aren't there as a reminder of death, they are there to celebrate a life. If I become a doula, I can be a part of this birth, death, birth cycle...this spiritual journey... I could play a role, however small, in bringing life into this world. Life, no matter how brief, is a precious gift. What a wonderful way to work with children, to serve children.

I have not acted on all of this, but I am listening and mulling over the call.

Are you a doula? Has a doula been present at the birth of your children? I'd be interested in hearing about your experiences.

Why?

2010-03-24T11:18:00.001-04:00

My husband and I attended a party this weekend and I spent much of it with the youngster's of our friends. The babies, a 3 month old and a 3 week old, were wonderful and when they weren't I just sang them Beatles tunes (Blackbird, Hey Jude, Golden Slumbers) and they calmed.

The two and a half year old, Alex, was a whole different story. He is going through the "Why?" phase. Why do we have to go inside? Why is the doggie running? Why do grapes grow on a stem? Why is it getting colder outside? Why do people have signs on their lawn? Why does the sun go down?

You get the idea.

I think I came up with pretty creative, accurate, and age appropriate answers. He really gave my brain a workout and challenged me to raise my consciousness. It left me wondering why, as adults, do we stop asking "why"?

Ponder that and post your answers in the comments, please.

"Why?" you ask. Well, 1) I asked nicely and 2)who couldn't use a raising of their consciousness?

Begin Again

2010-03-24T10:42:00.001-04:00

It seems I accidentally deleted all of my posts since December 27, 2007. Yes, Folks, my entire blog is lost and gone forever. How easily and unceremoniously the past is erased.

So, like "Poor Old Michael Finnegan", I begin again.

This March 24, 2010, a fresh Brainy and Beautiful is born. I will fill this space with light and love and life. Join me, won't you please?