So, just as I am starting to feel comfortable in our space again... Just as I am releasing all kinds of physical stuff from our life...
We are searching for a new house to make our home.
This is incredibly exciting! We are outgrowing our space. It will be lovely to have indoor and outdoor play space for Abigail. It will be nice to have more than one bathroom. It will be nice to have a fenced in space to let the dog run around. It will be nice to have room to grow.
This is also mildly terrifying! We have never been in the position of needing to sell a house. We will be taking on a larger mortgage. When I was young I experienced what it means to be forced to move. I know that my husband and I are being very smart about this and not taking on anything that is beyond our means, but those earlier memories still live, mostly buried, inside me. I find myself calming and comforting the little girl inside me more these days.
Then there is the emotional side of me. I know that we will take all memories of our current place with us in our hearts, minds, and photos. I know this and still... This is the space we brought our puppy home to and Abigail home to. This is the first home we owned together. We have wonderful neighbors who have become wonderful friends. They live right upstairs and we lean on each other often. Yes, they can come visit us in our new place. This is just leaving behind the old to welcome in the new. I have a feeling that all of the good old will follow us where ever we go.
I also have a fear in the back of my mind, something I need to release... Part of me is afraid that we will find a beautiful
new place with all kinds of room and then my body will fail us and no more babies will come. All of this space and no babies... Then I assure myself that even if there are not any more babies we will know what to do with all of that space, it will come to us. I must relinquish a false sense of control and welcome what comes.
I am making space and searching for new space. The fear and emotion and possibility of it all is exciting!